By Bill Maher
From the New York Times bestselling writer and host of HBO’s genuine Time, invoice Maher’s most up-to-date choice of political riffs and savagely humorous feedback for conserving sanity in an insane global.
New Rule: the following Republican conference has to be held in an incredible closet. a week there’s a brand new homosexual Republican outed. i've got a sense that “big tent” they’re constantly conversing approximately is of their pants. there are such a lot of Republicans within the closet, their image shouldn’t be an elephant; it may be a moth.
New Rule: If one in every of your information organization’s headlines is ready who obtained kicked off Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re not a information association. kind of like, for those who have been on Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re not a celebrity.
Media, superstar, Democrats, Republicans, faith, teenagers, marine lifestyles, electronics, that couple making out within the subsequent booth—when it involves lights up his pursuits, invoice Maher is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The New New Rules deals Maher’s new and best-loved observations concerning the international round us, besides a few modest counsel for its development. simply because wouldn’t existence be a bit larger if the interior of the workplace microwave didn’t appear like a Jackson Pollock portray, or if fathers stopped signing up their nine-year-olds to win unfastened searching journeys? Scathingly humorous and relentlessly unafraid of delicate subject matters, Maher’s hilarious model of realism is extra welcome and worthy than ever. So relax, learn on, and luxuriate in. you'll now not trust all his perspectives, yet one thing’s for definite: If you’re listening, you’re giggling.
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Extra resources for The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
I believe it used to be Whitney Houston who stated, “I think the youngsters are our future—teach them good and allow them to prepared the ground. ” And that’s the final sound piece of academic suggestion this nation has gotten—from a crackhead within the Nineteen Eighties. Now, i do know what you’re announcing: “But invoice! What have you learnt approximately elevating youngsters? You don’t have any. ” Yeah. I additionally don’t have any fish, yet i do know to not fill their tank with Mountain Dew. Or to go into a child in a good looks competition. Or to allow them to be an altar boy. And what you do together with your spawn impacts me. They’re those who run me over whereas they’re texting, simply because they’re utilizing an internet dictionary to spell “Where U at? ” definite, the US has stumbled on its new boogeyman guilty for our crumbling academic method. It’s simply too effortless accountable the lecturers, what with their comfortable lecturers’ lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in finding out who will get a corridor move. yet isn’t it handy that after back it seems that the matter isn’t us, and the repair is whatever that doesn’t require us to alter our habit or spend any cash. It’s so uncomplicated: fireplace the undesirable lecturers, lease strong ones from a few undisclosed position, and, whats up, whereas we’re at it, let’s minimize taxes extra. It’s the type of finished academic answer which can come in simple terms from a totally ignorant humans. Firing the entire lecturers might think good—we’re americans; kicking humans whilst they’re down is what we do—but it’s probably not their fault. Now, undeniably, there are a few undesirable lecturers in the market. They don’t be aware of the cloth, they don’t make issues fascinating, they've got intercourse with an identical child each day rather than spreading the affection round . . . yet each tuition has crappy lecturers. Harvard has crappy teachers—they needs to, they gave us George Bush. yet in accordance with the entire reports, it doesn’t topic what academics do. even though every body appreciates foreplay. What issues is what mom and dad do. The number-one predictor of a child’s educational good fortune is parental involvement. It doesn’t even topic in case your child is going to non-public or public university. So retailer the twenty grand a yr and deal with your self to a pleasant holiday clear of the little bastards. It’s additionally been confirmed that simply having books in the home makes a massive distinction in a child’s improvement. in case your house is embellished with not anything yet Hummel dolls, DVDs, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you’ve simply given your kids the present of duh. Sarah Palin acknowledged lately she wrote on her hand simply because her father used to do it. I relaxation my case. whilst there are not any books in the home, and there are not any mom and dad in the home, you recognize who increases the children? tv. So perhaps the matter isn’t the lecturers. probably it’s the nannies: —March 12, 2010 RIND RAGE New Rule: If you’re too lazy to peel your personal fruit, get scurvy and die. Hoping to attract kids who say they’re too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a brand new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack model. to not be outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a brand new coneless ice cream that your mom pre-chews and spits down your throat.